


Bath Water

by marelicarter (padmefuckingamidala)



Series: The Bath Water Series [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Gen, Hospitalization, M/M, Multi, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 02:08:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17992829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padmefuckingamidala/pseuds/marelicarter
Summary: Life takes a toll, and it's almost embarrassing--but you can only drown so much out in the bath water.





	1. Chapter 1

Red lines trailed down your arms from where you scratched yourself, heart beating frantic in your chest, which felt as if it was getting tighter with each breath you sucked in. Desperate, you fumbled for your phone. Fingers remained empty. A flash of heat rushed over your entire body, your useless fucking body, and you bit back a sob.

You had successfully hidden your crumbling mental health from Steve and Bucky, who, somehow, loved you more than words could describe. You towered over Steve, Bucky towered over you, and you always ended up the middle spoon so life was okay. But there you go, getting off subject again. Of course! Leave it to you, the girl in the middle of a fucking panic attack, to linger on the thought of your… well, were they boyfriends?

At this point, you didn’t know. You liked Bucky and Steve, they both liked you as well as each other, and shit, the sex was good. This relationship was built on trust, orgasms, and snuggles, and that was perfectly okay for you.

Okay. Boyfriends. For the sake of your deteriorating mind and the lack of a will to live, Steve and Bucky were your boyfriends. It felt strange, though, all things considered. You knew about James’ father being cruel and messing up his childhood, you knew about Steve’s asthma and the death of his mother, but you had no secrets to share. That smile was painted on your face like you were Van Gogh or some shit. You knew their secrets. The topics of your overwhelming depression and increasing suicidal ideations were not brought to light, but rather kept quiet.

Those two boys were the best thing that happened to you. One wrong move, and they were gone, and you couldn’t handle that. Even now, with your mascara running down your face and your shoulders shaking as if you were about to vomit, you wouldn’t change a thing. Bucky was weird when it came to the topic of mental illnesses and emotions and such, and if he went, Steve would probably follow. So everything went without saying and you sat in the small bathroom apartment all alone, stuttering against the cool tile, and praying you would calm down soon enough.

Things did look up. Later that night, you met up with the two men in their dorm—sadly, you three were only sophomores and still had to live in residence halls rather than apartments—and you were met with a lingering kiss.

Steve pushed himself up on his tiptoes to kiss you. Your fingers quickly found his hair, the surprise melting away as he held you by the collar of your shirt.

“Don’t keep the fun in the doorway,” Bucky called out. “Get your pretty asses in here.”

Steve pulled away and smiled crookedly at you. “I missed you.”

“I could tell.”

“I’m not getting any younger here!”

You rolled your eyes and dropped your bag to the floor before making your way over Bucky’s bed. Luckily, they didn’t have their beds set up high, and you were able to straddle Bucky quickly without having to climb up the bed.

“You’re getting a bit hard,” you noted. “Is this why Steve said hurry the hell up in the group chat?”

“Exactly why,” Steve answered, climbing up to sit behind you. He kissed your shoulder, brushing your hair out of the way to reveal more skin.

“Bucky, you’re such a slut,” you purred, grinding your hips down and dragging a moan out of him. “Damn. Too bad I’m not going to let you fuck me.”

Bucky groaned. “At least sit on my face while Steve rides me,” he pleaded. “Compromise with me, baby. I want both of you.”

You shrugged, unbuttoning the oversized flannel you wore that in all reality belonged to Bucky. It was comfortable with leggings, which Bucky loves to see on you, because the way your legs looked in them drove him mad. “Maybe I’ll blow Steve and leave you high and dry. What do you think about that?”

Behind you, Steve started to tug at the flannel, craving your bare skin. Once you reached the last button, he pulled the shirt off, and to both men’s surprise, there was no camisole nor a bra underneath.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding,” Bucky groaned. “Fuck. Baby, I need to have you. I want to eat you out so fucking bad.”

Steve wasn’t shy about grabbing one of your breasts. “Maybe you should let him watch me eat you out instead,” he suggested in your ear.

You smiled at his idea. “Brilliant. Let me get comfortable first.” You let yourself lie on Bucky’s chest, chin resting just below his collarbone, as Steve worked to pull your leggings off.

“Oh… Buck, she ain’t wearing panties either.”

Bucky groaned. “You two are not being nice right now.”

Steve leaned down and adjusted your legs apart just right, allowing his mouth access to your sex. One gentle kiss just above the clit was enough to have you moan against Bucky’s chest.

“You’re a dick,” Bucky muttered, hands cupping your ass. “Steve, baby, tell me how she tastes.”

Steve said nothing. He let his tongue swipe up the outside of you, before making its way into a certain spot, leaving you gasping and tugging at Bucky’s t-shirt.

Steve pulled back to sigh. “God, I could do this all night. Spread your legs a bit further, please, hon. I want to taste every last drop.”

“This is so fucking hot,” Bucky gasped. “Oh, fuck, baby, you're probably so wet right now. I bet you’re just waiting for Steve to fuck you, huh? Fuck you right here, right on top of me, huh? And you’ll just moan and pretend I’m not hard as fuck under you.”

“I want both cocks inside me.”

“Me and Steve?”

You huffed out a breath, finding it hard to focus with Steve going down on you so wonderfully. “No, dumbass, you and your personality. Yes, you and Steve! I want you boys to stretch the fuck out of me.”

Steve pulled back, his fingers gently taking his mouth’s place. “Sweetheart, we talked about this. We can’t stretch your vagina. It already expands due to the pleasure and then returns—“

“I know,” you moaned, half in annoyance and half in pleasure. “You say this everytime I try to talk dirty. The point is, I want the two of you to fuck me at the same time. Same hole, just fuck me.”

Bucky grew was uncomfortably hard at that point. You tried harder to grind down against him, but with the way he held your ass and the way Steve held your legs apart, you were stuck. Steve’s lips returned to your sex and licked messily, noisily. A moan left your lips.

The two men were far too eager, and maybe you were too. You told Steve to stop, and he immediately pulled off, touching your shoulder. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I want you. Both of you. You rolled off the bed to your feet,undoing Bucky’s pants as quickly as you could. “Condoms?”

Steve started looking through the little nightstand, filtering through for two condoms. Both your boyfriends were hard, and you smiled as you let Bucky’s erection bring free. “That’s going in me,” you whispered lowly, leaning down to swipe your tongue along its length. “And you don’t get to taste me at all.”

Steve was already free of clothing and ready to fuck, condom on and fingers itching to be all over your skin. He rolled the other condom over Bucky’s shaft and smirked. “Here, honey, I’ll give you a taste.” He kissed Bucky, and fuck, it was so messy and sloppy that it sent feelings straight to your core.

You were hovering over Bucky, on hands and knees, face buried in his chest and ass in the air. Bucky pushed inside you with a low moan, and Steve followed suit, his hands falling to your hips. God, you wanted that moment to last forever. You wanted to be surrounded by your sweaty, lust-filled boyfriends, listening to them moan as you rocked back and forth around their dicks.

Bucky licked his first two fingers and slipped his hand down between your bodies, stimulating your clit. “Fuck,” you yelled, hips jerking. Steve moaned at the sensation. Bucky just smirked, his confident expression struggling to stay on.

“Would this be a horrible time to decide what we want for dinner?” Bucky asked breathlessly, cock twitching and hand rubbing your clit just right.

You moaned. “Why the fuck are you like this?”

Steve grabbed a fist full of your hair. “I’m in a pizza mood.”

“You guys always get extra cheese and you know that I’m super lactose intolerant,” you whined, gasping when Steve pulled your head back a bit. “Fuck! Baby, right there, right there!”

“That’s why we’re fucking now and not after dinner,” Bucky teased, allowing his freehand to grab one of your breasts. “God. Maybe we should just fuck all night. Let’s skip dinner.”

“Steve, please,” you mewled, “harder. Fuck, pound me. I’m so close.”

“What about me, baby?” Bucky whispered. “What do you want me to do?” Before you could answer, he let his hips snap up, fucking you harder, holding your hips in place. This earned a delicious moan from both you and Steve. Steve leaned forward, letting his chest touch your back, giving himself the leverage to fuck you harder.

“Please,” you moaned, slowly crumbling. “Baby, baby, please. I’m so close.”

Steve came, then you, and Bucky followed soon after, his throbbing cock almost enough to get you off again, but you were done. The three of you collapsed, making Bucky groan at the two bodies on his chest.

“I need a shower,” you muttered. “There is no way I’m gonna smell good after this.”

“I think you smell good,” Steve mumbled. “Plus, if shower, we’re just going to start all over again.”

“Doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” James said with a chuckle.

Sometimes, your mind couldn’t get past the bad days. You completely forgot the euphoria and the feelings of happiness with Steve and Bucky. Those two loved you more than anything, you didn’t doubt that. But… god, the gray clouds weren’t budging and they were getting so much fucking harder to manage. Each day was a fight to get out of bed, a struggle to put a smile on your face.

There you fucking were. You sat in your bathroom of your dorm, pressed against the bathtub and praying to God that your roommate didn’t need the bathroom. She was a nice girl—her name was Wanda, and she often included you when Steve and Bucky were in class or elsewhere. You would hang out with her and Nat, who brought her boyfriend Clint, who brought Sam, who had a crush on Wanda but she didn’t know and the whole thing was a mess, really.

There was a knock at the bathroom door, but your breathing wasn’t calm enough to answer. The voice on the other side was muffled. Your ribs raddled as you released a sob you’d held for quite a while. Was the room spinning? You had red lines racing down your legs, the blade you tore from a pencil sharpener was sitting right on the edge of the bathtub, you were in no position to be seen. Black leggings were balled and left in the corner; you’d sent Bucky and Steve a provocative picture of yourself in those leggings just this morning, but there you were now, a fucking disappointment.

The door swung open, and before she could even talk, Wanda’s face crumbled into something disappointed. Another sob tore from your lips. Wanda quickly grabbed a wad of toilet paper and began to press against the cuts you’d made. They weren’t deep enough to require a hospital trip, but the little beads of blood that formed worried her nonetheless.

“Do you need me to call Bucky?” Wanda whispered, pulling your hair out of your eyes and up into a careless bun. She wet a rag and rested it against your head. You welcomed the cooling sensation, the counteraction to the searing heat of your anxiety and darkness. 

“N-n-no.”

“Let’s get you into bed, hmm? You can take a nice nap and I’ll wake you up in time for dinner, okay?”

How fucking embarrassing. Of course she had to take care of you. She helped you up and threw the blade away before helping you into bed. Only, she didn’t know that you snuck back in and dug the blade out of the trash as soon as she’d left the room on a phone call.

Steve was depressed, too. You knew that from high school. Bucky had heard of Steve’s bad day turned huge news story and flipped his shit. You and Bucky had been working on a group project that was due the next day, already frantic as it were, and the news had broken you two from concentration. The cameras had captured it; Steve was on a bridge, climbing over the railing as people screamed for him.

“We have to go,” Bucky muttered, scrambling for his keys. “I--fuck, where did I put my keys?”

“Mom, I’m borrowing the car,” you yelled, grabbing her keys from the counter. Before she could respond, you had Bucky by the hand, pulling him out of the house and into your mother’s vehicle. Nothing was said the entire car ride. Bucky was crying, which was so unusual because he was usually the one holding everything together. At that point in time, you three weren’t together. It was strictly a close friendship. When you arrived at the bridge, it was partially closed off. 

“We need to push through.”

It was hard. You two threw elbows and pushed until you reached the front of the barricade. Police officers held you two back, but you weren’t listening to them. “Steve!” you screamed. “Steve, don’t you dare!”

Steve turned to look at you, shaking beside Bucky as he sobbed. Bucky could barely make out anything with the way his throat clenched in fear. “Go home.”

“Come with us!” you screamed. “Come home with us. We don’t have to go to school tomorrow! We can play hooky and just sit around all day.”

“You can sit around without me,” he yelled back.

The crowd quieted down once they realized what was happening. It allowed for you to talk without straining yourselves further. You pushed past the police officer, Bucky right behind you. “Steve, please don’t do this.”

“I’m tired, Y/N. I’m so tired,” he whimpered, clinging to the railing for dear life. He turned his body, facing you, slowly but surely as to not fall off. “I can’t keep doing this. I don’t even know if my ma will make it through the week, what am I supposed to do then?”

“You come live with one of us,” you told him. “Or your uncle Howard. You know how much he loves you, him and your aunt Maria. They wouldn’t let anything happen to you. Please, I know things seem hard right now, but--”

“They’ll what?” he scoffed. “Get better? Everyone says that. This bad day will be over and another one would take its place. I’m tired of hurting all the time.”

“We’ll get you help,” Bucky begged in a raspy voice. “Stevie, c’mon. I’m with you till the end of the line, pal. I can’t lose you like this. Let us help you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” you screamed, rushing towards the railing. You held onto his arms, holding him hostage, ignoring the frantic yelling of the crowd to the instructions of the police officer. “We have so much left to do, Steve. I’m not losing you tonight. You, me, and Bucky, we’re gonna get you treated. I know it’s hard, but it’ll get better. It will. I promise you, I will personally fight off every fucking demon of yours if I have to.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do,” you promised. “Now please, let me help you over and we can all go home.”

“That’s not how it works,” Steve said sadly. “They’ll put me in the hospital after this. I can’t just go home.”

“Then Bucky and I will be there with you,” you assured. “Please. Please, Steve. Let this be my birthday present, okay? You, safe and sound, with me and Bucky. And to celebrate afterwards, we’ll get ice cream.”

“It’ll upset your stomach.”

“But it won’t hurt as bad as losing you would.”

Steve climbed back over, and Bucky rushed to crush the two of you in a hug. Everyone was crying. The crowd clapped, the EMTs rushed in, and they took Steve to the hospital. You two fought hard to stay with him that night. Luckily, Dr. Barnes, Bucky’s mother, was on the night shift and allowed them in. 

You couldn’t tell Bucky or Steve how you were feeling. That moment haunted Bucky forever, knowing he’d come so close to losing his best friend and now boyfriend. Sleeping was hard at first; he’d wake up in the middle of the night and check to news to make sure Steve wasn’t out there, hurting himself or being pronounced dead. When college rolled around, Bucky got a little better. He could roll over and see Steve was there, and his heart rate settled. But now that you… no, you couldn’t bring it up.

Bucky would be heartbroken. He would hover over you as he did with Steve, and you’d feel guilty. Steve would be upset with her, too. Plus, she’d hid it for so long that she didn’t think bringing it up now would be necessary.

Wanda was a saint and she didn’t say a thing to the boys. You’d learned it was because she thought they knew, which wasn’t exactly the case, but you didn’t correct her out of fear of the boys finding out. You could sleep a little better at night knowing your secret was safe with her.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve sat slumped in the library chair, pencil in his hand and his notebook all but worn as it rested out on the table. He was stressed. The fucker was taking twenty credits that semester on top of an on-campus job. He was all but falling apart, and even then, he might as well have been. He dozed off, head becoming too heavy to support, until finally it rested on the table and he didn’t get back up.

Bucky looked at you. “Please tell me you feel a pulse.”

You checked Steve’s wrist. “Yeah, he’s good. Does he even sleep regularly anymore?”

Bucky scoffed. “Not that I’m aware. He studies until two in the morning and wakes up at seven-thirty for an eight AM class. I’m really worried about him.” Underneath the table, you could feel his fingers tap against your knee; it wasn’t sexual, but instead, his gaze was soft and welcoming. “How about you, baby? How’s this week been treating you?”

You shrugged, letting your free hand fall under the table to grab his. “I’m fine,” you lied easily. “Tired as hell, but nothing on Steve’s level. The exam yesterday wasn’t the best but I think I did okay.”

He smiled at you. Bucky could be a frisky little shit or the softest boy ever. At that moment, he was soft and warm, his hand so gentle in yours, and your heart was fluttering in your chest. He pressed a kiss to your cheek. “I’m glad. Do you want to sleep over tonight? We could push the beds together again. I really want a snuggle session.”

“Not tonight,” you said quickly. “But, I, uh, did want to have date night tonight.”

“Oh yeah?”

You nodded. “Yeah. I got Sam to cover Steve’s shift tonight, and I figured we could order food and watch a movie or maybe some Buzzfeed Unsolved.” C’mon! You could totally sell it! “I have plans with Ava tomorrow in the morning. We’re doing a little project for extra credit, and I don’t want to wake you guys up. So I planned date night and you two are in charge of setting up the little nest on the floor.”

“Perfect.” He gave you another little kiss, and you two released hands to continue working.

That was a big fat lie. Oh, holy fuck, you were lying to your boyfriend. One of them, anyways. The night was yours, your time to take care of yourself and carve into your legs without Wanda catching you. It became a sick routine, and you couldn’t stop. You couldn’t even sleep until you cut. Wanda was a heavy sleeper. She slept through your entire little routine easily.

Bucky got up to go to the bathroom, leaving you at the table alone with Steve. You could have been a sweet lil thing and surprised Bucky with a coffee when he got back, the cafe was right beside the library, but Steve’s pencil case caught your eye. Inside was a brand new exacto knife. Steve had a habit of breaking his or wearing them out too fast, so this one was probably from a pack this time. He wouldn’t miss this one, would he? You pulled it carefully from the pencil case and and stuffed it into your bookbag before Bucky had returned from the bathroom. No coffees today, you’d decided.

Date night was perfect. You walked into their dorm room with two bags of Chinese food and two blankets. “I thought we were in charge of the nest?” Bucky asked, sitting beside a rather sleepy Steve on a pile of blankets and pillows in the middle of their room. 

You set yourself on Bucky’s lap and dropped everything in front of you. “I just wanted to make sure we were extra comfy. You awake, Stevie?”

Steve mumbled, eyes still closed.

“C’mon. I brought you some of that nasty ass tofu stuff you love so much. I’ll even kiss you after you eat it because I love you so much.”

Steve opened one eye. “Did you get me an eggroll, too?”

“Of course.” 

Bucky wrapped his arms around you, palms resting on your thighs, and you had to bite back a yelp in pain. You still had fresh cuts under there. You swallowed it all, the guilt and the fears, as you started pulling cartons out of the bags. “We’re eating like royalty tonight, baby,” Bucky sang. He pressed a kiss to your cheek and took his lo mein from your hands eagerly. “Stevie, fuck, she even got us dumplings!”

Steve shot up and held out his hands. “I’m awake. Give me!”

The date night went well. You were on your back, head in Steve’s lap as he leaned on Bucky’s shoulder. The food was long gone by the third episode of Buzzfeed unsolved. “Who do you think killed him?” Steve asked, hands casually playing with your hair. “I’m betting the wife. He was a piece of shit but he had money.”

“True,” Bucky agreed. “His movies weren’t even that great. I’d kill him too if I were his wife.”

“Are you gonna kill me if I have a lot of money, Bucky?” you asked jokingly, hand pressed over your heart.

“Depends,” he shot back with a smirk.

Steve groaned and leaned back into the pillows, his body becoming a dead weight under you. “Guys. I’m really horny but I don’t want to do any of the work.”

“Then you lose,” Bucky said. “You have to work for this, baby.” His hand roamed down to your chest, over the breasts and trailing down your stomach. His fingers poked under the rise of your jeans.

All you could think of were your scars. Your ugly little legs, coated in scars, and the look in his eyes when he saw. You panicked and grabbed his wrist tight, afraid you’d break it. “No!”

Both boys froze. “What’s wrong?” Bucky asked.

“I…” You gritted your teeth. Were you really going to lie to him? “I’m spotting,” you lied, hand holding his arm captive. “My period is really irregular and I’m kind of sore. I’m… fuck, I don’t know why I’m being so weird about it, but it sucks, and I don’t want to imagine how fucking ugly it is down there, okay?”

A breath of relief was heard around the room. “Thank God,” Steve sighed, fingers massaging your scalp. “I thought something else was wrong. Don’t be afraid to talk to us, honey. I’m perfectly fine with cuddles.”

You rolled up and kissed both of them before standing to your feet. “I should get back, anyways.”

“You sure you can’t stay?” Bucky asked softly. “I’ll snuggle Steve, you can have my bed. I just like waking up and seeing you.”

Your heart could have stopped with those words. You held his face in your hands, kneeling before him. “Sorry, Buck. I’ll sleep over next weekend, how about that? Or I’ll come over for an afternoon nap.”

You all made plans, exchanged kisses, and said your goodbyes.

When you got back to your room, it was a little past eleven and the room was dark. Wanda’s soft breaths were the only thing to be heard. Perfect. The look on Bucky’s face when you said “not tonight” was heartbreaking, it hurt far worse than anything you’d imagined. Your bookbag fell to your chair and you stripped off all of your clothes on your way to the bathroom.

In your hands was Steve’s exacto-knife. The perks of having an artist boyfriend. It was new, you could tell by the way it was shiny as hell and without a single spot of paint or glue on it. Steve had to’ve been so excited to get this, so excited to use it, but your bones were aching, blood boiling, and you needed to hurt yourself. 

The water was cold as you drew a bath, but good lord, it was amazing. You sank into the water so easily and marked up your legs. The blade was so much stronger than the one from the pencil sharpener. Blood started to tint the water, but it wasn’t enough to saturate the entire tub.

You didn’t know what came over you. You cut deeper than before--oh, you were crying--and your lungs could hardly get enough air. You didn’t realize you were sobbing until your shoulders hit the back of the tub. The water was slashing over the sides, the shower curtain open wide and swaying with your violent motions. Both thighs were caked in horrible, bloodied marks, and the water was the color of rosé. You thought of the wine you’d shared with Bucky and Steve, the drunken kisses and the half-naked snuggles you’d shared with them that day. Fuck. You choked on another sob and tried to slice your skin further, but there was no room.

“Fuck!” You didn’t realize how stupid you were being until it was done. You slashed your wrist, almost up to your elbow, blood tainting the water further. Your hand shot up to your mouth in result of the scream, but the blade had struck your cheek. Bucky had kissed that cheek before you escaped, running away from those that loved you to hurt yourself.

You turned the water off and suddenly, the room was quiet. You wanted to sleep, to feel lighter than air, to hurt more but to hurt less, too. Eyes began to force shut. Blood began to drip to the floor from your arm that hang over the side, probably the only thing keeping you above the water, and you felt guilty. You needed to clean it up… but… you were so tired. You nodded off, unable to stay awake.

You couldn’t even open your eyes when Wanda kicked open the bathroom door and screamed at the sight of you. “Somebody call an ambulance!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, using all of her body strength to pull you out of the shower and wrap you in a towel.

Bucky’s phone kept ringing. He was in Steve’s bed, the younger boy wrapped around him loosely, and it was supposed to be a good sleep. They didn’t snuggle like that often. When Bucky’s phone rang for the fifteenth time, he shot up with a slew of curses and looked at the caller ID. “What the fuck does she want?”

“Who is it?” Steve mumbled, arm falling to Bucky’s hips.

“It’s Wanda! This is the fifteenth fucking time she’s called in a matter of three minutes!” He hit the green button and practically growled into the phone. “What the fuck could you possibly want? It’s three in the fucking morning.”

She’d sounded like she’d been crying. “I-I-I’m sorry, James, I knew I should have called earlier, I, oh, God. James, I’m so damn scared. Please don’t be mad at me.”

He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and groaned. “I’m sorry, Wanda, I’m here for you. What’s up? Are you okay?”

“Y/N just attempted suicide,” she sobbed into the phone. Her voice was breathy and slurred, so miserable, but Bucky couldn’t believe what he’d heard. She… no. She wouldn’t do that. He looked down at Steve next to him, the one that had healed after that incident three years ago on the bridge, and couldn’t believe it was happening again.

His mind raced. How? When? You’d just left four hours ago, he couldn’t imagine how this situation could happen. Steve was drifting off again, so warm and comforting beside him, while Y/N was suffering so far away from him.

“James,” she hiccuped, “did you hear me? Are you still there?”

“I’m here,” he said as calmly as he could. 

“She’s in the hospital. We rode in an ambulance, I… I’m so fucking scared. I’m sorry I didn’t call until now.”

“Text me the address.”

“They won’t let me see her,” Wanda continued. “I…James, get here in one piece, please, okay? I’ll fill you in, but please, be safe.”

“Okay. I’ll see you then.”

James hung up the phone and jumped off the bed, frantically searching for his pants and car keys. “Steve, wake up.”

“What?” he groaned. “I’m sleepy.”

“Y/N just tried to kill herself,” Bucky said, shaking him until he sat up. “Steve, we have to go. Now.”

“You’re lying,” Steve said. “She wouldn’t do that. Was that a prank call?”

“Get the fuck out of bed!” he pleaded, torn between fear, anger, and sadness. “She’s in the hospital, we have to go.”

“Calm down,” Steve ordered. He pulled himself out of bed and got dressed. “Listen, it’ll be okay. You said she’s in the hospital, right?”

“You don’t know that! She could be dead for all we know.” Bucky turned to him, tears in his eyes, and grabbed his hands. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost either of you. That night on the bridge still scares me. What if we hadn’t gotten there in time?” Bucky pulled Steve close to him. “I love you guys so fucking much. I can’t just…”

“Give me the keys,” Steve whispered, “I’ll drive.”

“I can’t look at her dead body, Stevie.”

“We don’t know what her condition is yet. Think positively, okay?” Steve took the keys from his hands and pulled him out the door with him. The ride to the hospital was silent. Both boys didn’t know whether they’d get there in time or if they’d even get to say goodbye if things decided to go south. It was too much for them to handle, but they somehow made it in one piece.

Wanda greeted them in the waiting room. “Steve, Bucky!” She pulled them both into a brief hug. “She cut herself pretty bad. Her thighs were converted in cuts and the one on her wrist, well, she’s in surgery now to get that all patched up, and then they’ll need to give her blood.”

“Can we sit down?” Steve asked quietly.

“Of course, I’m sorry.” The three sat in the waiting room and she continued to speak. “I didn’t find a note. I guess it was accidental. I thought she’d stopped cutting herself but I guess I wasn’t paying enough attention to her.”

Bucky’s blood ran cold. He thought he was going to vomit. He could remember all the scars he’d found on Steve’s shoulders and chest, the thin lines that had healed in a pale pink since the bridge situation, but it still hurt to think about. Steve grabbed his hand; Bucky could feel his quick pulse.

“Wait, what?” Steve’s face was twisted in pain. He wanted to cry. He suffered the same way years ago and he couldn’t even notice the signs in his own girlfriend. “She cuts herself?”

Wanda gasped. “I thought you guys knew! Oh my God, I am so sorry. I found her in the bathroom—and-and h-her legs w-w-were bleeding and she-e had a b-blade sitting in the counter—fuck, I should have told you guys. I thought she would talk to you, I…” Another sob escaped her lips. “I should have paid better attention.”

“It’s not your fault,” Steve assured her. “We didn’t know any of this.”

Waking up from a deep sleep was a weird experience. You felt like you were bound to the bed, trapped in cement yet floating all the while. You clutched at the sheets underneath you, trying to ground yourself, but nothing happened. The beeping in your ear made you groan--you lifted your arm to shut off what was probably the alarm, but your arm wouldn’t lift any higher than a few inches. Eyes opened to see Bucky and Steve standing by the door, talking to the doctor with miserable looks on their face.

“She’s lucky we were able to stitch the wound up. Usually when people cut like that, it’s hard to survive.”

Bucky said nothing, but Steve nodded. “What do we do from here? Can we admit her to a psych ward? I just, I don’t know where we go from here,” Steve murmured.

“I’m afraid you cannot force her,” the doctor said, “nobody can. If she were under eighteen we could, but she’s legally an adult. All we can do is make sure she’s physically okay and release her. You two could talk to her about it, urge her to take this step, but unless she consents we cannot send her there.” He glanced in your direction, and when he noticed your open eyes, he looked down to his watch. “I should let you three talk it out. Page someone if there are any concerns, alright?”

Steve ran to you first, his small frame weaseling himself up into bed and curling around you. “Y/N!” He held you so tight, as if you would disappear if he let go. He shook with every breath he took. Fingers squeezed at your shoulder blades, his chin nestled into the crease of your neck and god, he was warm and inviting but so blue. You felt a tear against your skin. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” you managed. Your voice was rough from 

Bucky, who stood at the end of the bed with a a betrayed expression, choked on a laugh. “Okay? You’re not okay, so cut the shit. How could you keep this from us?”

“I didn’t mean to end up here,” you said.

“What do you mean?” he demanded, tears in his eyes. “You just meant to keep this all a big secret? To keep hurting yourself and not once tell Steve or me? Are you actually going to sit there and lie to us more? We didn’t know if you’d even survive the night!”

“Stop!” Steve hissed. “She doesn’t need to be yelled at right now! Just stop!”

“I knew you’ve been acting weird,” Bucky said. The waver in his voice broke your heart, but all you could do is sit and listen, bound to the bed and sore and stiff as your boyfriend rattled off, words flying out of his mouth as fast as he could throw them. “You never want to sleepover, you were weird about your period when you’ve literally never held back about that in your life, and you don’t walk around in my boxers anymore. I should have known you were hiding something.”

“James--”

“I love you more than anything in the fucking world,” Bucky said, ignoring anything you or Steve had to say. “You two are all I have in this world sometimes. When my mom’s busy, when Becca’s not answering her phone, I have you two. And I know it sounds selfish, but this honestly makes me feel like I’m disposable. Like it doesn’t fucking matter what you do, there are no consequences! So what if you die, it’s not like you’ll hurt either of us! Right? Is that what you think?”

Steve wanted to throw something at him. “James, if you’re going to give her shit about it then get out!”

“I’m not leaving,” he shot back. Bucky made his way over to you. “I’m sorry I’m pissed. I’m so fucking pissed. But… I love you so much. And I don’t want to lose you.” He wrapped his arms around you and Steve, letting his body shake the bed with his sobs. “Please, don’t shut me out. Don’t shut us out. Let us help you.”

Steve tore the restraints from your wrist and snuggled up beside you It was clear that neither boy had any plans on leaving you that night. You made room for Bucky, using your new found freedom to wipe the tears from his eyes. “I’ll go to the psych ward,” you promised him. “I’ll do whatever it takes to get better. Just please don’t leave me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, darling,” he sniffled, laying beside you and pulling you close to his chest. “Stevie, we’re not going to class tomorrow, either.”

“I’ve already emailed our professors.” Steve, who weighed next to nothing, moved to lie on top of her, his legs between her own, comfortably, closing his eyes to let himself finally rest after. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. We just think it’ll help.”

“I was so afraid of you getting mad at me,” you whispered, fear nearly silencing you. But not today, not right now. You were so fucking tired of pushing them away. There was nothing inside you that wanted it to end like this, with two men crying and holding you in the hospital, but your mistakes were bound to swing around at some point. “I figured after Steve… you didn’t want to deal with another one. I didn’t want to give you two something to worry about.”

“For you, darling,” Bucky murmured into the suddenly peaceful air, “I’d do anything.”

You didn’t sleep. You waited for your boyfriends to fall into a peaceful sleep before you relaxed your shoulders and closed your eyes. Safe. Underneath your bandage-wrapped arm, your scar tingled. You knew that scar would be there to haunt you forever, but if you didn’t have to worry about losing those two boyfriends, you would would make it out okay.

You’d get better. Even if it took years, you’d be better. You had to be. For Steve and Bucky.


End file.
